M3 Festival...3 times the....

So. We went to the M3 festival to see Twisted Sister, Ratt, Dokken, etc.


There were some pretty intense highs and lows, and to be honest I don't know where to start.


Oh. I take that back. I know where to start! At the beginning!!!

Saturday we got up at the butt crack of dawn and drove to Columbia, Md. It is a nice, easy trip so yeah. No surprises there. Got to the venue, and couldn't find the damn entrance. Is it that hard to put up signs that say "heavy metal parking lot ---> this way"?!?! NO! It's fucking NOT that hard!



I'd LIKE to say that the parking lot was like a scene from heavy metal parking lot, but aside from me and the old man, it wasn't. Now if I may be bitchy for a moment; why do fat chicks insist on wearing tube tops? I mean, i feel a bit wobbly in a tube top, how in the sam hell do they not realize that their bits and pieces are falling all over the place? GROSS!


And extreme side note here, on the way home we see this fat chick wearing one of those terry cloth rompers. Now, let me admit something about myself:
One day, the ladies with whom I lunch and I went and had a few too many margaritas at Chilis. And I decided that purchasing a white terry cloth romper would be perhaps the most hysterical thing on the face of the planet. At the time, it was an extremely fantastic idea that I wanted to show my old man that I too remembered the 70s (despite not having been born yet). I was kind of fat at that point in my life, and that romper was not flattering. It's not flattering today and I'm much thinner. It IS funny; and I may break it out for a costume occasion or as an ironic clothing choice on the beach...but I will not wear it seriously. And I wear daisy dukes seriously. So yeah. Fat girls: terry cloth jumpers and tube tops are a NO NO!


Ok. Back on track. Back for more.... here we go!


We were at least allowed to tailgate in the parking lot, so we had some beers and saw some old friends, and that was just really awesome.


Next up, getting into the damn venue! They sent the old man back because of his (actually my) bullet belt. I mean, if you had realized that it took him 30 minutes to get the damn thing on right...you might realize he's not going to take it off, whip it around his head, and damage the 30 plus weirdo goth kids that were there. Seriously people, it's an 80s metal show, not goth hour at the local dance club.

Did you security fuckers think to search my boots? Did you? No. I could hide at least a very small gun in my cleavage somewhere, but you didn't look there either. Well good to know I can sneak in all kinds of stuff, but the old man can't do shit. Good to know!


When we finally went in I went and peed, because I really had to pee. I have to pee a lot. It's a trend. It's tough to be this rad and not pee your pants. For real.


I'm not sure who we saw first. Maybe XYZ. See? This really isn't a music blog. I have no photos because I forget my camera every damn time. And I don't remember setlists and important factors like who played. In fact, neither does the old man as he told someone today that we saw Quiet Riot. Interesting, given the fact that poor old Kevin DuBrow is dead. Yep. But we saw them.


NOT!



The set up was ok, but going back and forth between two stages was kind of lame.


Now, let me cover the bad parts of this event before I get to the awesomeness:


At some point during this whole hoo-ha, I got kind of sad. Because, well, there were lots of really lame people there. I mean, it's an 80s metal show. Dude, put the fucking flippity flops and your fucking khaki bermuda shorts the FUCK AWAY. Put them away. I came here to rock!!! Tommy Bahama did not come to FUCKIN ROCK!!! Seriously. Go home.


Secondly, I understand that like KIX are hometown heroes. I get that. I like some Kix songs quite a bit. In fact, I was excited to see them. Now, let me say before I go on, that my old man is skinny. Like really skinny: chickens have more fat on their legs kind of skinny. But Kix takes skinny to a whole new level. If you put a skeleton in some spandex pants and a vest or sort of hippy flowy shirt thingy...you'd have Kix.


Ok. Look. Everyone gets old and dies, but I really started to feel like I was in some kind of bizarre old people death skeletor world. I really did. I got depressed. I don't want to get old. I wouldn't mind being super skinny, but whew. Yeah. And the lead singer from Kix apparently thinks he is Mick Jagger. Except he looks older and scrawnier than Mick, and that's not saying much for him. Finally, I could have handled Kix, if what came on after Kix wasn't so awful.


Thirdly in my list of shitty stuff from M3...and I think there might only be 3 things...what the fuck is up with you fucking faggots loving Extreme? I mean, are you kidding me? We went down front so that we could be up front for Ratt, and I had to stand elbows to assholes with some really big ass weirdos singing that lame ass Extreme song.

And here is another thing: If you get the fuck up the morning of a huge rock festival and put some lame ass white t-shirt with some lame ass professional wrestling phrase on the back, and you wear your white baseball hat backwards, and you keep making this stupid face and sticking your tongue out....you need to go the fuck away. For real. You suck dude. You really, really, really suck. You got that stoked for fucking Extreme? God. Shoot me now!!!!!!!!!!!! At least, that's what i was thinking while they were playing. As my old man says, it's because people in Baltimore are just too close to Yankees. They were just way too stoked on Extreme. It wasn't good. Dumb Yankees! I tell you what is more than words: how gay you are when you sing that lame song!


Admittedly, the guitarist is kind of hot. I wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating crackers, or whatever the hell that phrase is, but I'd probably want to punch him in the nuts just for being in the band.


Ok. Rant over. Good stuff coming right now!!!!!!


Let's see, who did we see besides the imaginary Quiet Riot?


L.A. Guns...we saw the Phil Lewis (otherwise known as the Jugs' favorite) version. I love L.A. Guns. They are sleazy. They rock. I wish they'd reunite. Phil Lewis looked bad though. I mean, Steve Riley looked like a teenager compared to him. That says something. You know?


Bulletboys...ah yes. Marq Torien has got to be gay. Well. That's ok I suppose. I do enjoy the Bullet Boys, but it's hard to deal with them when you know that Marq Torien would rather get Smooth Up in the dude standing next to you.


Slaughter. They were good. I like Slaughter. Is that because I was kind of fat once?


So this is seriously cheesy, but I was so incredibly stoked on this factor that I wish I had taken a picture. I usually hate 80s metal fans that are my age. I think they are mocking it a little too much. In fact, I missed Steel Panther during this show because I haven't made up my mind whether I love them or hate them. I mean, you have to laugh at 80s metal, but don't be a total douche about it.


Anyway...during XYZ or maybe the bullet boys, I saw this dude who must have been my age. Or maybe younger, but I don't want to think about that.
He was wearing a leather jacket in 80 degree weather, had long ass hair, and these ripped up jeans. But on the jeans, he'd written band names...like Britny Fox.
I did that when I was a little kid!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh my gosh!!!!!!!!!!!
For real, if I didn't have an old man, I'd have totally bought this dude a beer.
So, cool rock n roll guy who is way young: you are fucking awesome and you made my day!!
So that was cool. It is good to know that there is hope for the future.


Ok. The coolest part of the night was Ratt. I'm not gonna lie. I mean, I loved everything else, but I really really love Ratt. The sound sucked, and only half the band was there, but Ratt is cool.

Ratt is cool because Stephen Pearcy has a top fuel dragster. Ratt is cool because Stephen Pearcy is just fucking cool. I hope he's a big asshole. I've never met him, but I like to imagine him as a big, drunk jerk who wouldn't like me at all. Because that's how I like my dudes. With race cars. Drinking beer. And being a jerk.

Not really on the jerk part.

Well.

Maybe not really.

Well.

Probably.

I'm so off topic. God.

Twisted Sister. They were awesome. I don't have adjectives. I have two words: fuck and awesome.

That's TS.

And some nice lady gave me her spot up front. So I was front row center for all that jazz. Twisted Sister got to see the jugs.

Thanks dudes. You make it all worthwhile. You will always be my favorite show, because you rock. I mean, i just can't describe it adequately. It's like all my childhood dreams came true. Although, i wish they'd sing Leader of the Pack.

I'm gay like that.

On another side note, it was funny watching groupies on Saturday. When I first started going to shows like ummm, 10 years ago (fuck, getting seriously old here!!!), groupies were always these nasty porno looking chicks. Not good porn either. The lame stuff made in someone's basement. We all know about those chicks, they don't really look metal, they have dumb outfits on and stuff, and bad lip-liner. In easy to describe terms, they looked like some of the really bad looking chicks from Rock of Love.

I saw some cool chicks this time. Maybe they weren't groupies? Maybe they were the dude's daughters? Stephen Pearcy said something about how maybe he had kids out there that he didn't know about. He could be my dad. I wish he was my dad. For real.

Please adopt me Stephen Pearcy! I'm 25 and I have a job, and I will be pit crew on your race team. I could use that experience! I'd be a really cool daughter, I swear.

Oh shit. I got off track again. Well, anyway, kudos to the hot chicks that are my age. Way to go ladies! I wish I was up there with you! But i have a pretty rockin old man.

At least the girl in the gas station we stopped in thought he was in a band.

So yay! M3 was probably one of my few metal shows this summer! Not much going on because I'm broke and I suck! But I promise you, if anything cool happens, I'll be sure to post about it right here!