Way back in 2007...I went to see W.A.S.P.
It was with great excitement (and a grilled stuffed burrito) that we set off for Richmond last night. I wasn't in much of a hurry, knowing we'd have to sit through two opening bands and who knows what other crap before actually seeing WASP. However, bearing in mind that I was so excited I thought I was going to pee my pants (which I almost did until I stopped at a rest area) we ended up arriving around 8pm. Now, last time we went to Toad's Place for Hank III and Nashville Pussy, there was a line out the door and down the canal. Last night, on a wet and freakin freezing Tuesday night, it was a ghost town. That made me sad, and also worried, because who knows…the reputation of WASP actually playing shows is somewhat sketchy.
So, we get in the place and take a look around. I think there were maybe 50 people there the whole night. And the audience consisted of mostly old, balding metal-heads, some random weirdos, and about 3 or 4 chicks in mom jeans or trenchcoats. That really bode well for the evening right? Oh, and there was a group of young'uns all in puffy coats and sneakers. Isn't it sweet that the younger generation came out to see WASP? Oh wait….that's me…fuck. Funny moment of the night was actually a chick standing next to us who told us she was a new WASP fan. To which my old man said "well I saw them at the Houston blah blah blah in 1984" and she giggled and said "oh you don't want to know how old I was in 1984!" Bitch please. I was one. So were you! Get over it! Dork! But she was nice enough so whatever.
The first band that played was called Liquid Violence. They were 3 dudes with mohawks and they sounded like….3 dudes with mohawks. They seemed nice enough, but the band wasn't that great….nor was I really looking forward to sitting through more BS while waiting for WASP. But good for them, they tried hard and everything, they just weren't the right opener perhaps.
The second band was from Sweden and called Fatal Smile. Gay name, for sure. But they are from Sweden, I mean that's fine. They really looked the part and were just fucking phenomenal. I mean, the lead singer looked like he might be kind of a douche, and I'm surprised he hadn't decapitated his band mates with his ridiculously large mic stand. But they rocked the fuck out. FINALLY!!!! An opening band I actually wanted to listen to! How fucking amazing and awesome is that??? Totally. Plus, their guitar player looked like a young Chuck Billy and I had lots of impure thoughts. I mean, what?
So, once the second band was over, the young kids, several old bald men and I clung to the barricade like it was that Rolling Stones concert in Texas where that person got killed when they were crushed against the barricade. I'm not sure why we did that, as when I turned around there was really no one behind me….but whatever. Perhaps it was due to such extreme excitement. I was really ready to pee then and there. But poor Blackie, nothing but a front row of weird men/boys and me, jumping up and down…a point which I will get to later.
The first set of the night was obviously all the Crimson Idol stuff. It was really cool to see the movie part, and to hear all the songs even though I hadn't really heard them before (ok, steve played me a song at Skinnie's and I liked it, but that doesn't really constitute a passionate love for all things WASP circa 1992). And they fucking ROCKED it. I mean, oh my god, so incredible….best thing I've ever seen rocked it. And oh…Mr. Blackie Lawless….wow. I think I might want to have his babies even if he is a bit overweight and still stretching out some spandex pants. And if I don't have his babies, I'd definitely settle for a pair of fringe knee high moccasin boots…because. Well, just because. But back to a more musical note, they sounded really, really, really good.
So, they are supposed to take a break and then come out and play a second set of greatest hits. And I'm really excited about this because as the only chick in the front row (well the only one not in mom jeans with frizzy hair), because I really really want Blackie Lawless to sing Fuck like Beast to me. I mean, he could sing anything to me, but you know, I'd like it if it was one of the raunchier songs. And even if that doesn't happen, I still might pee my pants out of sheer excitement and general awesomeness.
Yeah, well they come out and play LOVE machine. And that's great, but it's not really a favorite of mine, BUT then they play Wild Child…and I'm so freakin happy…it's just awesome. They sound pretty good. It's just one hell of a good time. Then Blackie says "for our last song, we'll get Blind in Texas!!!!!!!!!!" YAAAAAAAAAAAAY. WAIT. WHAT? Last song?? WTF?!?!?! I mean, I love Blind in Texas, and I'm rockin out, but last motherfucking song? You've only played 3! Damn it! I mean, I can't say I blame them, with an audience that small I probably wouldn't even go on stage.
I have to interject a very important point here though, and this goes out to anyone in a band. Last night, there were basically teenage boys, old men, and me in a lowcut shirt jumping up and down in the front row (as previously mentioned). Now, I don't know about you, but I expect someone like say…Blackie Lawless…to you know, give the jugs a second glance. I mean, to be honest, I'm rockin out as hard as the dudes next to me. And I have boobs. I don't get them out for any old occasion, I got them out to make YOU feel better about being a rockstar. And what do I get? From the man who wants to fuck like a beast? Nada. Nothing. I mean what, you're not a boob man? Come on, all I'm asking for is a little bit of boob to eye contact. Please? No? well….that makes me sad.
So yeah. Then at the very end of the night, he comes over and throws a guitar pick. And the two guys next to me literally throw themselves over the barricade to get it, kicking me in the head in the process. Thanks douchebag, are you that gay for a fucking guitar pick? Really? You just wrecked my fucking ear and my piercing with your nasty ass foot. Way to go. I should have peed on you when i wanted to pee my pants. I had a great night until they only played 3 songs in their last set and you felt like putting a guitar pick up your ass…because that's totally what you're gonna do with it later. I know it.
So, in conclusion. It was an excellent night. I was sad about the turnout, sad about the lack of a second set….but god damn. Blackie Lawless…still rockin out….but could possibly be gay. Or not like tits. Not really sure on that one. I still love him though. And I still had a damn good time.
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